Hanging on By My Fingertips

There are days when I feel like I am down a deep, dark well, and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed up in that darkness are my fingertips.

The loss of my Mom in November has been very difficult, but everything seems to be more difficult now. Some days I am angry, some I am sad, and other days are perfectly normal. I am “judged” for expressing my “sad” feelings on my blog and my personal Facebook page…I am “judged” for not expressing my “sad” feelings. So, for the most part…I am silent. My blog is quiet, my Facebook page is more quiet than normal.

Maybe I am in the dark place because when I tried to hard, and prayed so hard for my Mom to get well, worked so hard at making her feel important, I feel like I failed her. I couldn’t save her. Maybe it’s because I have not heard from family members since my Mom passed away.

Maybe it’s because I feel like I have lost my entire family, not just my Mom. Maybe it’s because my “friends” are not really friends at all. Maybe it’s because I think I try so hard to make everyone feel better, that I ignore myself, that I ignore how I am feeling. Maybe it’s because I have no spine and am always extending my hand to help others, yet instead of taking my hand, it is either slapped away or taken without a “thanks”. And yet, I continue to hold my hand out to help people….

I feel like I am in the process of failing my Dad. I am failing my kids, my husband, myself.

I don’t feel like this everyday. A lot of the time, I am so busy I don’t have time to let myself feel so negative. I allow myself to feel happy, to feel joy, other times, I allow myself to be in denial, feel numb or else I would feel this more often.

And while there may be days I am holding on by my fingertips, I don’t let go and allow myself to fall and stay in that dark place, because there are people who need me. There are people who I had no idea were my friends, and they are there for me if I need them. Unexpected people.

I expect one day, the sun will shine more brightly for me and my family, so I hold on.

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