It has been one year today that my Mom went to Heaven…lots has changed, lots has stayed the same. What I do know, is I am not the same person I was before she left us. I have changed. I am less forgiving in some areas of my life….I am more forgiving in others.
I am more angry some days. I am more depressed some days. I cry sometimes. Some days I go along just fine, and then out of no where I am sucker punched with a thought of “I need to call my Mom”.
Grief is an odd beast. It brings out the worst in people. It brings out the best in people. You feel your weakest, yet you feel your strongest. I still have a lot of anger at a lot of people. Yes, I should just let go of that anger. But letting go of that anger means I then have to face the sadness I still feel. And quite frankly, I don’t want to feel that sadness. I would much rather be angry.
Anger at the doctor for how he told my Mom she was not going to make it. “Hey Toots (insert pinching her rear end here), where do you want to die, here or at home?” Really? REALLY? I will NEVER ever forget that. I will never feel the same about doctors.
Anger at my best friend for requesting poker chips on a facebook game the day my Mom died…and the day after…and the day after? Really? REALLY??? Goodbye. You are no longer my friend.
Anger at some extended family members. My Moms funeral was December 2nd, 2011. That was the last time I have seen or heard from them. My Moms family. Really? REALLY? I am closer to my Moms childhood friends than I am to her own family members. What a joke.
Yes, grief is an odd beast. We all handle it differently. And yes, I do sound angry, I may even sound a little too angry, but at this moment in time, when I think of this being my Moms last day on earth, I, as her loving daughter, can feel anyway I choose.
But here’s what happens. I will go to bed. Wake up. And start my day. I will smile, I will work hard. I will forgive people. I will enjoy life. I will love my dad, my sisters, my children, my husband, and the rest of my family. I will make it through the day and I may not even be angry. I will play with my dogs, work on my magazine, work on my blog, work on cleaning this messy house. Life goes on. I go on. We all go on.
On this particular day, I will allow myself to feel whatever I want. It has ranged from denial to anger to sadness today. But I will go on. My kids tell me stories about my Mom and they laugh and laugh…and I smile. I see a red sky and I know it is my Mom…and I smile. I see a red bird….and I smile. My Mom is here with me, even if I can’t see her.
Life will move on…my emotions may vary from day to day…minute to minute…But I know my Mom would want me to be happy…And I will…I am. I am so happy she was MY mom. So happy my children had such a great relationship with her….So happy.
So, let me be angry today. Let me be the daughter who is sad over her Mom….Today.
The grief beast will subside tonight and I will be back tomorrow…..But tonight…let me grieve.